This Might Ruin Valentine's Day...

If you forget Valentine's Day, you're actually kind of a hero.  For flowers.

While we're on the subject, look at this romantic card I made!

UPDATE:  As I was reading through my comments, one in particular really stood out to me: 

-Nutella on Toast

It's so sweet, yet so creepy.  So eloquent.  I just don't know what to say!  

And we have a rebuttal! 

-Maxie

(To settle any confusion, I have lived in both Idaho and Montana, but I currently live in Montana.  I don't know whether to give the points to Maxie for accuracy or to Nutella on Toast for successfully stalking my childhood...) 

Boyfriend Doesn't Have Ebola. Probably.

I took Boyfriend to the Emergency Room last night because he was vomiting up vast quantities of what I thought was blood but actually it was just Craisins. You guys, if you feel like you may become violently ill in the near future, stay away from red food. Failure to do so may create an atmosphere of unnecessary panic and chaos.

Anyway, the doctor wanted to make sure that Boyfriend didn't have SARS or stomach AIDS or something, so he had to poke him a lot. While he was doing this to Boyfriend, he pointed to a little reference chart on the wall and asked Boyfriend to rate his pain::

You've probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0:  Haha!  I'm not wearing any pants!

2:  Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

4:  Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.

6:  I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I'm bored.

8:  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

10:You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying!

 None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don't know why I'm even here.

1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2:  I probably just need a Band Aid.

3:  This is distressing.  I don't want this to be happening to me at all.

4:  My pain is not fucking around.

5:  Why is this happening to me??

6:  Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.

7:  I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.   

8:  I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.

9:  I am almost definitely dying.

10:  I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers:  You probably have ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

BadFace

I woke up today and immediately got sucked into my forum.  I was so busy posting graphs, drawing dinosaurs and discussing whether a centaur or a minotaur would win in a battle to the death that I didn't look in a mirror until about 45 seconds ago.  This was probably a mistake.  Or an attempt at self-preservation.  One of those.

Anyway, I just looked in the mirror and this is what I saw:

It was alarming.

Let's look at this awesome graph I made comparing centaurs and minotaurs instead:  

I wish I could do that in real life.  Like, if Boyfriend walked in and was like "Wow, you look pretty today" in a tone of voice that means "Holy crap, what am I doing with my life?"  I could just be like "Hey!  Check out this sweet drawing!"  And he would forget about doubting his future.  

UPDATE:  EXPERIMENT FAILED.  I drew this picture to test my hypothesis in real life: 

When Boyfriend walked in, I held the picture up next to my face.  He was like "What are you doing?" 

Me:  "I drew a picture for you."

Boyfriend:  "Is that us?" 

Me:  "Yes. Do you like it?" 

Boyfriend:  "Why is there a bear attacking me?" 

Me:  "It's not attacking you.  It's a friendly bear."

Boyfriend:  "Then why is it growling like that?" 

Me:  "It's not growling.  It's laughing."

Boyfriend:  "It looks like it's growling."

Me:  "What's it supposed to do?  It's a bear.  That's how bears express their emotions." 

Boyfriend:  "What did you draw that on?" 

Me:  "A piece of paper I found on the floor." 

Boyfriend:  "I think that might be my credit card bill..." (takes paper and turns it over) "This is definitely my credit card bill."  

Me:  "Well,  maybe you shouldn't leave your important documents on the floor."  

Boyfriend:  "Maybe you shouldn't draw bears on a piece of paper before checking to make sure that the piece of paper isn't actually an important document."  

Touché, Boyfriend. 

Robot

So I just remembered that I have to go to the dentist again today and suffer through the judging all over again -- only it's going to be worse this time because I didn't even brush my teeth yesterday.  Last time I went to the dentist, I brushed my teeth like, five times the day before and the dentist was still all up in her tower about my "intermittent flossing" and my "bleeding gums."  Guess what, dentist?  If someone poked you in the mouth with a metal spike, you would bleed too!

But somehow she thinks it's my fault that I'm bleeding.

I'm pretty sure she's a robot.  That's why she has such a hard time understanding the relationship between stabbing and bleeding.

This also means that I am probably not going to survive.  Most robots are malicious and vengeful, and my filthy teeth will only serve to aggravate the dentist further, so I really don't see how I have a chance.   The only thing I can really think of is to wait until exactly the right moment and then throw water on the dentist, possibly causing it to short-circuit.  

Now I just have to find a way to conceal the water so that the dentist does not become suspicious.  

Has Anything Ever Looked More Like a Penis Than This?

There's a yoga studio near where I live.  But I'm pretty sure it's not actually a yoga studio because I'm almost positive that it's some sort of underground penis cartel or something:

Like the black market, but for penises instead of kidneys.

UPDATE:  While I was walking back from taking pictures of the penis cartel, I found the most joyful graffiti ever:

Some deviant bought like, nine cans of spray paint and proceeded to scrawl happy little children across the side of a building.  I don't know waht SxFxh means, but I'm assuming that it's German for "look at all the happy children!"

UPDATE:  All this talk about "one ball" concerns me... are we seeing the same thing?  There are most definitely two balls there... they are on the bottom of the image.  The penis is pointing upward.  Please tell me that I don't have to draw a translation for this...

SURPRISE!!

I was sitting on my floor, eating chow mein noodles out of the bag and watching a YouTube video of some girl pulling a giant tumbleweed up a hill with a rope.   The video was only a couple minutes long, and when I got to the end of it, I was like "well, what should I do now?"

I thought about walking downtown and taking a picture of the yoga studio with a logo that looks like a penis, which is something I've been meaning to do for awhile since it is almost unbelievably penis-like, but I was too tired because I had to get up early this morning and go to the dentist and I was crabby because the dentist was like "describe your flossing regimen..." and I was like "intermittent?"  And the dentist judged me and I could tell that she was silently blaming me for my snaggle tooth when in reality it's God's fault for not making teeth more resistant to Tang.  Then I had this sad little moment where I realized that no matter how proud of myself I was for remembering to floss a few times a month, it would never be good enough for the dentist.  It was like when I took Modern Dance in college and my teacher just wrote "Allie tries really hard" on my end-of-year evaluation and it destroyed the image I had of myself as Kevin Bacon in Footloose.

Anyway, what I ended up doing was starting an online message board for no apparent reason.

I think it has the potential to be pretty great, though.  At first it was just me talking to myself with another account that I created, but then a few others trickled in.   So far, the discussions range from an all-caps conversation about how great ham is to who would win in a fight between a shark and a robotic tiger.  There's also a section for drawings and a contest section where you can win things like a picture of Kevin Bacon autographed by me, or a rock.

I wrote a bunch of FAQs and rules, but those are mostly prophylactic in nature.  I want my forum to be a place where people can go to talk about totally inane things without having to worry about being bombarded with pictures of vaginas or being called an "asshat" or a "douchebag" repeatedly.  It's also a great way for me to entertain myself during the day when I should be doing things like grocery shopping and sweeping.

If you want to help me get this thing going, go HERE.  Go totally nuts.  If my comments section is any indication, this has the potential to be totally hilarious.

P.S.  Don't hesitate to start new threads.  I'd love to see what you guys come up with!

UPDATE:  My forum seems to have crashed.  This is grounds for major warfare, internet.  You can't keep me from being famous forever!!  It's fine now.  I won.  The internet lost.

UPDATE:  So far the forum has been everything I had hoped it would be.  I would especially like to highlight the dinosaur-drawing competition and the bee thread.   This is like taking the internet and sprinkling it with gold.  Another good one has been the wizard fights shark thread, though it needs more graphical analysis and perhaps some field data.

Getting Revenge on Zombies

(Click to enlarge)