An Open Letter to my Boyfriend, the Serial Killer

Boyfriend;

I have come to the conclusion that you are probably a serial killer.   Or an alien.  Over the 5 years I've been collecting data on you, you have exhibited some strange and alarming behavior, not the least of which is always remembering to put the toilet seat down (except for one time, but we'll get to that later).   I think I now have enough data to prove, without a doubt, that you are up to no good.

Exhibit #1:

You told me I was beautiful this morning.   One might think that kind of behavior is totally normal until you consider that I looked like this this morning:

This is not the first time you've acted like this.  At first, I thought you were just mocking me, but you say these things with such alarming sincerity - with your soulful brown eyes penetrating deep into my soul.  I am thus forced to file your actions under "serial killer behavior" instead.

You also called me beautiful one time when I was crying - there were fluids oozing out of every one of my facial features, I was drooling on you and I was making water buffalo sounds.  Only a serial killer with a secret, murderous plot to protect could have reason to call someone beautiful at a time like that.

 You did it again when I was sick with the flu (FACT: no one is beautiful when they have the flu.  The flu and beauty are so mutually exclusive that you couldn't fit a Venn diagram of them on the same page.)

You said it one time when you weren't even looking at me.   When I asked you "why do you say that?"  You said "because I was thinking about you."  Were you also thinking about how you were going to get rid of my body??  I immediately locked myself in the bathroom to protect myself and also so as not to ruin the image you had of me in your head.   A boyfriend should not make his girlfriend feel like she has to go hide in the bathroom.  It is abusive and wrong.

Exhibit #2:

As you may have surmised from a previous blog entry, I am experiencing "my time of the month."  Normal boyfriends usually leave well-enough alone during this time, but not you.   Yesterday, you bought me Haagen Dazs milk chocolate ice cream bars for no reason.   I interpreted this to mean either a) you are fattening me up so that you can kill me and eat me or b) you are covering something up.   You are probably covering up the fact that you are trying to fatten me up to kill me and eat me.   Was it the fresh blood that awakened your appetite for human flesh?  

Exhibit #3:

Do you even fart???

Exhibit #4:

You say I am perfect.  LIAR!!

I mean, I once went 4 days without showering because I was too lazy to unpack my shampoo.  Is that something that perfect people do?  How about the time I drank too much and threw up on your friend's shoes?  Or the time I....

...LOOKED LIKE THIS:

  Boyfriend, I'm onto your little game.  You could have at least tried to be a little less transparent about it all.   Did you think that I wouldn't notice when you washed all the dishes just because they were dirty?   Did you think that your little "I love your body" charade was going to fool me?  Boyfriend, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have the breasts of a 9-year-old.  Are you a pedophile??  Maybe you were telling the truth but meant "I love your body" in the "your body looks like it would taste like chicken" kind of way.   Either way, I know what you are trying to do.  

If this behavior continues, I may be forced to seek the help of the law in defending myself against you.   

Consider yourself warned.

Thing of the Day: Uterus. Rating: NOT AWESOME

Disclaimer for male readers: this post may make you feel weird inside, almost like being molested.  I apologize in advance for alienating you.  Please don't go away.  

Uterus, f**k you.  Where do you get off?  (And why is it so hard to insult you without making some sort of sexual innuendo?) 

Every month, you waste my hard-earned bodily resources to build a fitting environment for the godda**ed baby you are so sure we are going to be having.  


Every month, you end up having to clean house and start over because, guess what?  WE ARE NOT HAVING A F**KING BABY!!!  POSSIBLY NOT EVER IF YOU KEEP UP YOUR STUPID SHENNANEGANS!!!  

You seem to have figured out that I will not allow you to make a baby and are therefore continuing your obnoxious behavior just to spite me.  


Let me be very clear, uterus:  If you keep on making my life a living hell every month when you don’t get your way, I will forgo motherhood just to piss you off.  I will see to it that you do not come into contact with so much as a single drop of semen for the rest of your natural life.  Do you understand? 

And being overly dramatic will not solve anything. 


Am I supposed to feel sorry for you when you are lying around bleeding like that?  That’s my f**king blood you are wasting!  Have you ever stopped to consider how your childish tantrums affect my life?


You see, uterus, you are attached to my other organs and when you thrash around in anger, they become quite upset.  Your little hissy fits prevent me from doing anything that cannot be accomplished while in the fetal position. 

Also, you have somehow convinced my cells that they need to stock up on water for the apocalypse.  This is not funny.   I do not enjoy having to cart around the extra 7 pounds of water that my freaked out cells are hoarding away because of your fear-mongering.  It makes me feel gross and unattractive.

I know that you want a baby.  I know that it is upsetting for you to go month after month un-impregnated.  But you need to learn how to deal with your feelings in a more constructive manner. 

You see, when you carry on like this, it makes me think that there is something wrong with you – that maybe you wouldn’t be able to construct a fetus properly.  

You need to earn my trust before I can trust you with the responsibilities of building a baby.  

A major step in the right direction would be for you to grasp the concept of punctuality.

You are supposed to work on a 28-day schedule.

 I don't want to spend every month of the rest of my fertile life vacillating between desperately searching for emergency tampons and wondering whether you have indeed achieved your goal of harboring a baby because you are 14 days late for your shift.  

Secondly, no more temper tantrums.  You are supposed to be a nurturing and gentle organ so stop acting like some strung out schizophrenic with a God-complex.

Thirdly, be nice to the other organs.  They are more important than you.  In fact, I could live without you completely if I so desired, so stop acting so godd*mn important.  You are a floppy pouch of extremely stretchy skin - big f**king deal.  Get over yourself.


  

Sincerely,

Allie 

SOUNDTRACK INAPPROPRIATE

Music is a powerful mood-setting tool.  The addition of a soundtrack can turn a boring activity into something fantastic.  I present to you: "Soundtrack Inappropriate"

Rock Always Wins

I just ate a 12-ounce hamburger.  With bacon.   Digesting it is proving to be quite taxing on my ability to write awesome stuff.  I tried, but it didn't work.  

So I drew you a picture! 

The Poor Person's Guide To Living Like a Rich Person

Are you poor?  Do you often find yourself to be rabidly jealous of people who are rich enough to do fun things?  Well, hold on to your hats because you are about to start living the high life with my fool-proof guide to having fun like a rich person - FOR FREE!!  

Rich-Person Activity:  Going to Horse Races

How you can do it too:

1. Find a few horses.  

2. Check to make sure that the owner of the horses is away doing rich-person things. 

3.  Make a sound like a grizzly bear. 

4.  Watch to see if your horse flees to the opposite side of the corral the fastest.  

Cost: $0 if you don't get caught or trampled. 

Rich-Person Activity: Golf

How you can do it too:

1. Go to a public park.  

2. Dig a few holes in the ground.  

3. Find a smallish round rock that will fit in the holes you've dug.  

4. Get a big stick.  

5. Hit the rock with the stick.  

6. Try to get the rock into one of the holes, minimizing the number of times you have to hit it with the stick.  

Cost: $0

Note: Rich people are careless with their infinitely replaceable things, so you can often find actual golf balls if you sneak onto a golf course after hours. 

Rich-Person Activity: Dinner and a Movie

How you can do it too:

1. Obtain food.  

2. Walk around in a fancy neighborhood until you find a house with a television that you can see from outside.  The larger the television, the less likely it is that you will be arrested for trespassing while trying to read subtitles (rich people like foreign films.  This is good because you won't be able to hear the TV anyway.) 

3. Find a comfortable place to settle in and enjoy your film.  Large trees, parked cars (if you are fortunate enough to have a car) and salvaged lawn chairs are all good options.  

4.  If you have to trespass to see the television clearly, cut eyeholes in a black bed sheet and drape it over yourself.  (note: keep bed sheet for use in future adventures). 

Cost:  $0 if you steal your food from a restaurant waist bin or coordinate your movie night with the schedule of your local soup kitchen.  

Rich-Person Activity: Sailing

How you can do it too:  

1. Find a large, wooden object at your local dump.  If you cannot find a large, wooden object at the dump, thrift stores often carry large, wooden objects and will sell them to you for only a few dollars if the object is hideous enough.  

2. Find a bed sheet.  

3. Put the large, wooden object in the water.  

4. Sit on large wooden object.  If you do not get wet, you are clear to proceed to step 5. 

5. Hold bed sheet above your head.  

6. Wait for wind.  

Cost:  $0 if you can find the necessary items at the dump.  $5-10 if you have to purchase your items at a thrift store.

Rich-Person Activity: Going on Vacation

How you can do it too:

1.  Find or purchase a very strong pair of reading glasses.

2.  Walk around with the glasses on your face.  

3.  Rediscover your formerly familiar surroundings!   The best part is that reading glasses come in a variety of different strengths, and each one will make your physical environment appear differently from the next.  You can even wear two pairs of glasses, one over the other, for an entirely new experience!  

4.  For an extra touch of authenticity, ask people to speak to you in a foreign accent.  If your dream vacation is in outer space, as people to make alien/spaceship sounds.

Cost: $0 if you can find/borrow reading glasses.  Often, you can take glasses right off the face of a sleeping vagrant.   

Rich-Person Activity: Rock Climbing

How you can do it too:

1. Find a large rock. 

2. Climb the rock.

3. Don't fall.

Cost: $0 if you don't fall

Rich-Person Activity: Going to the Mall

How you can do it too: 

1. Go to a mall. 

Cost: $0 if you take the bus and don't buy anything while you're there. 

Rich-Person Activity:  Hanging out by the pool

How you can do it too: 

1.  Dig a big hole in your yard (if you do not have a yard, dig a hole in the sand at the beach) 

2.  Dump out your rich neighbor's garbage and steal the bag.  You may need to do this several times to have enough bags.  

3.  Line your hole with the garbage bags you've stolen from your rich neighbors.  

4. Fill the hole with buckets of water or water from a hose.  If you do not have a bucket or a hose, steal another garbage bag and use it to transport your water.  If you are so poor that your water has been turned off, you can simply perform steps 1-3 and then wait for it to rain. 

5.  Hang out by your pool! 

Cost: $0 

Thing of the day: iPod. Rating: AWESOME

iPod, I cannot truly express my gratitude for your tireless efforts at keeping me entertained. When we go to the gym together, you patiently sit in front of me and play music for me while I work out.  You don’t seem to mind that I sweat on you, or that I sometimes fling you violently to the ground when my thumb inadvertently catches your headphones cord.   You just keep on playing music for me.  

Sometimes I get tired of the songs I have given you to play for me and I keep pushing the fast-forward button, but you never get upset with me for doing this.  You just keep cheerfully suggesting more songs: 

iPod: “How about this one?"  

Me: (skips song after hearing first two notes)

iPod: "No?  Okay, do you like this one?"

Me: (skips song because it has applause in the beginning and that means that it is a live song and won't really get going any time in the next 3 minutes) 

iPod: "Not today, huh?  Here, try this one, it is one of your favorites!"

Me: (remembers that the song used to be a favorite before I listened to it 118 times in a row and ruined it for myself.)

iPod: (starting to panic) "No again?  How about some Journey?"

Me:  (listens to 'Midnight Train' all the way through, impatiently waiting for the 'don't stop believing' part because that part is really the only reason I listen to the song.) 

iPod: "Okay, you like 'Midnight Train' do you want to hear it again?"

Me: (does not want to hear 'Midnight Train' again because I held down the rewind button and re-listened to the best part about 11 times in a row, and now it, too, has lost all meaning for me.) 

iPod: (confused) "Not in the mood for "Midnight Train' anymore?"

Me: (confirms the negatory by pushing fast-forward)

iPod:  "I know that you didn't want to hear 'Midnight Train' again a few seconds ago, but how about now?"

Me: (presses fast-forward button) 

iPod: "How about now?" 

Me: (FAST-FORWARD BUTTON)

iPod: "No really, how about NOW?"

Me: (&%$*&^%ING FAST-FORWARD AND I HOPE I NEVER HEAR IT AGAIN!!!!!)

iPod: "Okay, I’ll wait for you to skip over a few more songs and then try playing 'Midnight Train' again because I know how much you like it...”

Thank you for alway trying your hardest, iPod. 

I know I get frustrated with your misdirected and totally arbitrary enthusiasm for certain songs, but please don’t feel bad.  It is not your fault.  I should have given you more to work with.  

Also, don’t take it so hard when I forget to charge your battery.   Again, it is not your fault.  It is seriously heartbreaking when you make those little sputtering chirps as you are dying.  I can tell you are trying as hard as you can to keep playing my music even though your lifeblood is slowly draining away.  It’s okay.  I’ll plug you in when we get home.  

Thing Of The Day: Cords Rating: NOT AWESOME

Hello Cords,

This letter is addressed to all of you even though it is directed only at particular members of your alliance, namely: iPod headphones cord, iPod charger cord, venetian blinds cord and sweatpants drawstring.  

I am tiring of your shenanigans.  Just yesterday, I went looking for you, iPod headphones cord, because I had the urge to discreetly listen to music.  When I found you, you were lasciviously wrapped around iPod charger cord even though I had put you away neatly coiled around yourself.   I apologize if I did not make it clear that I expected you to stay that way.  I guess I didn't realize that you were retarded and completely unable to pick up on subtleties.  Allow me to spell it out for you: K-E-E-P  Y-O-U-R  C-O-I-L-S  T-O  Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F.  

I know that you are wildly attracted to iPod charger cord, but Christ man, try to respect my feelings a little.   Contorting yourselves into every position in the Kama Sutra simultaneously makes it really hard to separate you when I need to use one of you.  It is also uncomfortable for the other things on my desk.  

Venetian blinds cord, your narcissism is alarming.  Your almost pathological autoeroticism is beginning to impact your work performance.  I called upon you today to open the blinds only to find that you were irreversibly tangled up in an orgy for one.  I spent the better part of the morning trying to straighten you out, but despite my best efforts, you are still all kinky.  I may be forced to use the scissors if I cannot get through to you.  It is really fucking sunny and I am losing my patience!

Sweatpants drawstring, just being in the privacy of the washing machine does not make it okay to rape the other clothing.  My underwear and socks do not appreciate being forced into a three-way with you.  I do not appreciate having to rescue my underwear and socks from said three-way.    And don't get all pouty and retreat into the waistband of my sweatpants - it won't change the fact that I am mad at you.  

A message to all of the cords in my household:  These four offenders have been found guilty of lewd acts that I know all of you are capable and willing to commit should the opportunity present itself (I am especially talking to you, Christmas lights).  Please take note of the repercussions inherent in these actions before you decide to act upon your impulses.  

Good day!

-Allie